When our depravity meets His divinity, it is a beautiful collision.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Feeling the Distance

Occasionally, I will catch myself daydreaming about a trip to California to see Chris. Tonight I had one of those moments. As I drifted off to sleep, (or so I thought) I found myself getting off of the plane and into a rental car, taking pictures in front of his Tech School dorm and meeting all of his friends. Then I suddenly came to my senses...I'm making these plans in my head for nothing.

It's not any fun to hear about all of your friends going to visit their husbands in Tech School. I'm happy for them, but I can't help being a little jealous sometimes. Too bad my husband is a 28 hour drive away.

The thing is, we could afford for me to go for a visit. It is expensive, but we've got the money in the bank that would cover the trip. But...is the cost worth the little bit of time that we would get?

Of course, my initial answer is yes. Absolutely. A price cannot be put on time with my husband. It's priceless.

That's my heart's answer.

If I think logically, though, is $800 or more too much to pay for 48 hours of time? Probably.

That's my head's answer.

It's a difficult position to be in. Knowing that you would give anything to see them and trying to balance that with also knowing that the separation does not last forever. I know that the time apart is a part of the growing process. It's a sort of stretching of the patience that brings growth to more love through sacrifice for one another. I want that kind of love. The kind that would absolutely wait a thousand years for the one it desires.

When looking at the big picture, 3 months really isn't very long. Life seems to fly by and I know that this will too. Even when the days seem to drag by, I can still say, "One day less than yesterday until we are together again."

While Chris was in Basic Training, I discovered a musician by the name of Jason Reeves. I bought his CDs and fell in love with his music. The first time I heard one song I instantly knew that it would be my "Tech School song". Read the lyrics below and you'll understand why:

Old Fashioned Letters

You still write me old fashioned letters
put your perfume on the pages
with crossed out words that you took back
like "do you really miss me?"

but in my own way I take you everywhere I go
and it feels like home
cause I can hear you say "it's gonna be ok"
this waking life's a dream

but it's not right with me to have to hear your voice
reaching through the wire
and it's not fair to be 3000 miles away
from California

days like this I feel the distance
  I wanna run but I resist it
with cold reminders all around me
of what I left behind

but it's not right with me to have to hear your voice
reaching through the wire
and it's not fair to be 3000 miles away
from california..

oh it doesn't feel the same
nothing feels the same..
without you.

but in my own way I take you everywhere I go
and it feels like home. 

Sometimes I feel displaced...with no home. I live in a house with my parents, but it isn't home to me anymore. Home is where my heart is and my heart is in California with my husband.

It sure will be nice when I can feel like I'm home again.


  1. I know how hard the decision is to go visit your husband. For me , the criteria is that I get atleast 4 days and it's less than $600. To me, a really short visit only makes it harder because it is like a tease. Yes, it is worth it to go see your husband, but I'm not sure if 48 hours wouldn't make it even harder on you emotionally. I'm sorry you are really upset about this. I'm praying for you girl.

  2. I read the lyrics, and I'm sure thats how Matthew felt in Basic! And I know I felt the same way. I lived at home with his parents, and at that time I thought I was going to go nuts, thats why I'm here with him at Tech School. I know it must be hard. It was worse for me when I got to talk to him on the phone, the first time he was in tech, and i couldn't see him. I will be praying for you, and trust me, it's going to get better. How much longer is he in tech school? I've been told that once you get to your Suty station, it gets better. So, I'm hoping of that! :) Prayers for you always!


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