When our depravity meets His divinity, it is a beautiful collision.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Perfectly Lonely

My days are usually pretty busy. I try to keep it that way while Chris is gone. I used to be perfectly content with sitting around the house watching tv all day for days at a time...not so much anymore.

Idle time is too much time to think. And to miss him.

This week has been hard because school hasn't begun and I've got nothing to do. Maybe I should appreciate this time of nothingness, but I'm ready to be busy again! I've been sitting around every day and playing the Wii, cleaning my room, sleeping late, watching tv, making trips to Wal-Mart...anything at all.

This week I've stayed up incredibly late just because I dread going to bed alone again. Sleeping in the same bed as someone doesn't seem like a big deal until you're apart for so long.

I sleep with a stuffed animal named Scruffy now. Chris and I made him at Build-A-Bear for my 21st birthday. It's been years since I've slept with a stuffed animal, but I almost can't sleep without Scruffy anymore. While Chris was home for Christmas, Scruffy was on the floor and I didn't think twice about him. When Chris left, Scruffy resumed his position in bed.

Chris and Scruffy- 2 really cute Airmen!

All of this is to say...I really miss my husband. I miss affection. Growing up I really didn't receive a whole lot of affection. My parents just aren't that type, I guess. I became a very unaffectionate person, not really by choice, but necessity. I've always loved hugs. I was always a little jealous of friends who had moms that would hug them all the time. Don't get me wrong, my parents love me. I'm sure of it. I got hugs as a kid, maybe just not as many as I would have liked. Sometimes I even wonder if the lack of affection is my fault. Maybe I've never been a very welcoming person in terms of affection. Not sure.

When I met Chris, all of this changed. It's hard to go without his hugs and without holding hands...without the closeness. He broke through my barrier and boy do I love his affection! 

Last night when I went to bed at 3 a.m., I had Scruffy in my arms and my iPod playing John Mayer's newest CD titled "Battle Studies".  His song "Perfectly Lonely" pretty much summed it all up for me when it said:

Nothing to do, nowhere to be
A simple little kind of free
Nothing to do, no one but me
Is it really hard to see why

I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely

I'm happy that my husband has joined the Air Force. I know he's happy and I know that this is where God has placed him.

But man, I sure do get lonely sometimes.


  1. While Jake was at tech he sent me a bear that came with flowers for my birthday, I slept with that bear every single day! Now, that I'm leaving to go home until our baby is due we're stopping at build-a-bear to make my daughter one (which will turn into mine) lol. I hate not having anyone to cuddle with at night, despite how comfy I am when I have a whole bed to myself lol. Hang in there girl <3

  2. I almost cried when I read this because I can relate so much to everything. Loneliness sucks, but there is only 4 more months of the separation from our men, then you and I will be practically neighbors as well! yay!

  3. I know how you feel. But you know what, you can change teh cycle. I'm happy that your husband has joined as well. I will be praying for him. Sorry that your so lonely. I was this way when Matthew was in basic. Now that I live with him, I get to see him almost everyday. And when I don't see him, I have flashbacks of basic. But trust me you will overcome this! You have some great friends that don't like it that you are lonely. God is going to take care of the for you. Give it to him! :)


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