When our depravity meets His divinity, it is a beautiful collision.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Glancing back and looking ahead, but always living in the moment

I am not a very anxious person. I do not worry much and I usually don't have many highs and lows. Maybe even-tempered is the right word to describe me. I'm not sure.

Here's the deal: Before those sentences I should have written a disclaimer saying that this only applies to my life before 2009.

2009 has been a year unlike any other for me. I have experienced a roller coaster of emotions that I never imagined to be possible in my life. I have had highs and lows and everything in between.

As the year 2010 begins, I realize that I am so thankful for 2009 and everything that came with it. I have changed tremendously. I had a lot of growing up to do in one year, but I wouldn't have it any other way because it's what I needed.

The year began with so many uncertainties. Chris dropped out of school knowing that it wasn't where he needed to be, but unsure about a career path for his life. We thought, discussed, fought, cried (ok, I cried), worked through things, worried, struggled, changed our minds, and finally decided on a path that I never imagined my life would take.

In the midst of working out those plans and figuring things out, I unexpectedly became pregnant. We were nervous, but excited to see where life would take us with a new baby. In February I had a miscarriage and my life seemed to turn upside-down for a bit. I let everything go. School was not a priority. Work was not a priority. I wasn't sure how I felt about anything anymore and numbness took over.

With the love and support from some of my closest family and friends, especially my husband, I made it through the fog and became a better person through my struggles. This was not easy and I would have never chosen this route for my life, but it was necessary growth in my life that would eventually come, regardless.

April is when we made the big decision for the Air Force life. At first, I was so opposed to this idea that it literally brought our lives to a halt and made us really think about marriage and what love means.

Chris has dreamed of being in the military since he was a little boy when he said he wanted to be the Joint Chief of Staff. I believe that this dream has been alive since birth. Yes, I believe that it is a God-given dream. My husband's undying passion to serve our country is the only thing that made me reconsider my way of thinking. Why was I so opposed? The reason was purely selfish. I couldn't bear the thought of losing the person that I loved more than anyone else.

After much wrestling and me putting my selfishness aside, we made the jump and Chris began talking to a recruiter one week after his 21st birthday. I can honestly say that this is the best decision he has ever made. He has always tried so hard to make me happy and to take care of me. He was trying to take care of me by finding a means to provide for our family and also trying to keep himself happy with a job that he would be passionate about.

Our summer in 2009 was fantastic. We spent lots of time together when Chris wasn't working. Since the summer I met Chris, I've always considered him to be my best friend, but this past summer really confirmed that. We spent all of our time together and I loved it. There are a million goofy things that we do or say when we're together that no one would understand except us. I think he's the funniest person in the entire world and I think he thinks I'm pretty funny too.

In August we celebrated our first anniversary together. We went to Biloxi and Gulfport, Mississippi for a few days. We stayed in a cozy little hotel that was very much like a bed and breakfast. We went to the beach, did some shopping, and just had time for us. This was just one month before he left for Basic Training. We had a wonderful time, but of course, I had to keep reminding myself to live in the moment instead of dreading what was to come.

At the end of August I began school again and in mid-September we moved all of our things to my parents house and sold Chris's truck in preparation for Basic Training. Chris left for BMT on September 30th. The days following are such a blur now. I just remember feeling alone and unlike myself. It was a rough time. Looking back, those 8.5 weeks seemed to fly by. I made some really good AF wife friends through facebook. They helped me to maintain my sanity and they helped to pass the time away through late night chats and such.

On Thanksgiving week Chris graduated from Basic Training and we had a wonderful week together. He left from there to go to Vandenberg AFB in California. He came home for two glorious weeks for Christmas. We spent much needed time together and with lots of family. It was a wonderful Christmas. He was home to ring in the New Year and is already back in California. I felt like a little piece of me left with him, but I know that the time will pass quickly.

Looking back on 2009 and ahead to 2010 there are a few things that I am sure about. I love my husband more now than ever before. He is happy with the Air Force and so am I. We can and will stick together through anything and it will only make us stronger.

There are some things that we are unsure about for 2010. We will move to Barksdale AFB, but where will we live? What kind of job will I be able to find? Is a baby in the near future? Will we make friends? Will they be friends for life? Will we find a church that we love?

So much to think about...

While looking back on the past year, I have good memories that will stay with me forever. Looking ahead to 2010 is exciting because we have so much to look forward to and so much to be thankful for.

All of this is good, but I know that it is most important to live in the moment. To take every day and live fully, knowing that it was created with a purpose. My Savior loves me and my husband loves me. In this, I will be satisfied.


  1. girl, you will realize as we get to know eachother more, that we have alot more in common than we thought. You are an amazing person. When Paul left for Basic Training June 1st, I went through the exact same thing. I had the same feelings when he enlisted a year ago, that you had in April. One thing I have learned is that time really does fly even if it seems to crawl during the separation. We know we both would be lost without God's love and protection in our lives. He IS in control of our future at Barksdale and elsewhere. Any thoughts of fear or worry IS NOT from God. We have to try our best to rebuke those thoughts and the evil one who puts them there. Things won't always be easy, but girl, if we put Him first and look for His guidance...we are sure to prevail. Love you girl!

  2. Thanks so much Erin! I can't wait until we are at Barksdale with our men! I'm really looking forward to meeting you and chatting about life. :) I'm glad that we have so much in common.


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