I think that maybe I think too much because sometimes the thought of having children is terrifying.
Don't get me wrong. I want a baby real soon. I think about it a lot. Probably more than I should. There is just something about a sweet little baby that can always make my day happy. I can't wait to see what a little mixture of Chris and Sarah looks and acts like. Maybe I'm biased, but I think that he or she will be absolutely adorable and perfect.
But, here's what terrifies me about having children.
Myself.
I know that change is inevitable. I'm learning to look at change in a positive light and embrace it. I'm trying to learn to love change, but it's unnatural for me. Change scares me. I know that having children will change me, and it will also change Chris. It will change us together.
Having a baby around doesn't scare me much. I've been around babies my whole life and I know most of the ins and outs of taking care of one. It's the growing up that scares me...and the knowing how to be a good mother. You see, I want to be the kind of mom that my children grow up and want to be like, or marry someone like. I don't want my daughters to grow up and say, "Gosh, I just hope I'm not like my mother." Maybe it's too much to hope for, but I hope my children want to be like me. I hope that they can look back on their lives and say, "Mom spent time with me." "Mom listened to me." "Mom loved my dad." "Mom really loved Jesus." Those are the things that matter. Not if I cooked every meal perfectly, exercised every day, was the leader of every organization, and made it to every event on time.
A good mom is one who LOVES through everything. Who loves even when discipline is necessary. Who loves even when she's busy and doesn't feel like she has time to listen. Who loves when her daughter's heart is broken for the first time. Who loves when her son is too cool to hang out with her anymore. Who loves even when the house is a mess and her husband has to work a lot. Who loves when she feels like she is being pulled in a hundred different directions.
As much as I know that I need to love my children, I also realize how important my husband is. I can never let the changes of having children lessen my love for Chris. The balancing act of being a mother has to be hard. How do you love your children, love your spouse, and spend time with both? I know it's possible, but it's scary.
Here's the thing that I realize. All of these things that scare me are in MY control. It's completely up to me, and no one else. If I neglect my husband, it's my fault. If I neglect my children, it's my fault. I realize that there will be tough decisions to make and when the time comes, I will have to do what I feel is best for my family.
Here's what else I know. I am strong enough for this. I love my husband more than I ever imagined my heart had the capacity of loving. I know that it will be the same with my children, yet different. I can balance it all and still be happy with who I've become.
I am not perfect. I have never been perfect, and I will never be perfect.
I am human.
But in all of my humanity, I have the capacity to love beyond measure.
My mom and I- High School graduation 2005
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